This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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