Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
