i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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