I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
