well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
