i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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