From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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