I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
