i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
