I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
