Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
