brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
