Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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