Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
