I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
