just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
