Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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