just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
