it glows. i had to have it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
