But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
