FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can I color on your dick again?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
