Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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