I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
