There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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