he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
