so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
