i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
