Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
