somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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