i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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