Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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