remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
