Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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