Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he's single and there are thong briefs.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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