I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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