You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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