Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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