found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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