I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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