Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
