Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize