the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
