I molested 6 butterflies tonight
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
