I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
