Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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