i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
