I faked an abortion last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
