Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
