My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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