yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
