Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
