between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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