I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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