Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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