he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
