my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
