Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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