There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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